June 26, 2007 Ghosts are not those headless or bleeding creatures that would spring out of no where to spook you, neither were they going to vaporize into the shapeless and gooey monsters in the starlight. Ghosts reside in your mind and everyone has some. If you claim a total absence of ghosts, you are either lying or a no-brainer, because ghosts are like human memories – you just can’t efface them. They keep on accumulating until you are dead or become a vegetable. Like memories, not all ghosts are horrendous. Sometimes, they are not bad at all. The prom night, a bunch of roses on St. Valentine’s Day, the kiss from mom and dad, your final ascent to nomenklatura and even the first shit-storm after your constipation hit a whopper could all be counted in as ghosts. But there are those grotesque ghosts, the ghosts that haunt you all the way through your life. It could be a juicy-as-a-peach gossip on you or a bad hair style that brought about a ripple effect ruining your career. For Jeffrey McReynolds, the gruesome ghost was his late grandma. Again, it wasn’t about how an arthritis-stricken old lady paced creakily along a corridor or how a bloating corpse slowly swung her left leg out of the bathtub’s brim and tailed you to the door whose knob was stuck firmly. It was more on the spiritual level. Jeffrey’s grandma made a clone of herself in Jeffrey’s flesh. This was even more terrifying in that the ghost for Jeffrey was blood running in his body, plasma stored in his cells and tissues, and piths sealed in the bones. “So, Andy’s idle hand is on his left knee.” Jeffrey said, “Big deal?” Jeffrey’s eyes remained on the dish in front of him, a non-smile on the face and there was a trace of provocation in his voice. Seated next to Jeffrey, Andy looked flummoxed enough to be awkward, for his fast-processing brains couldn’t produce any plausible answer for his best friend’s out-of-the-blue comment. What’s worse, he didn’t even know who Jeffrey was talking to and what he would be referring to. (So, I’ve been keeping my idle hand below the table since Stone Age. Big deal?) Andy’s eyes were fumbling for clues around the square dining table. Facing him were Jeffrey’s parents whose eyes looked as blurred as his own. Then to his left, he found Jeffrey calm like the sea before a storm. Jeffrey’s grandparents sat face to face across the table, each dominating one side. He moved his eyes to grandpa next to Jeffrey and got nothing; the old man was sipping wine from a little cup. His pupils were focusing on the nectar, not in the least interested in the loaded commentary. Feeling a chill down his spine, Andy unwillingly turned to his immediate left where Jeffrey’s grandma was sitting. Andy tried his best to avoid making any noise from turning his head because for that moment, the entire dining room was quiet as a graveyard. But finally, Andy got a good shot of the old women. She was smiling her trademark beatific smile, like some sort of Buddha. But Andy felt inexplicably sick, because too many ingredients were kneaded into that smile – sarcasm, compromise, indifference and mostly annoyingly, fear. There was fear in the smile. It was the fear of a magician whose tricks went ballistic in front of a large audience. It was the fear of a double agent who got prosecution from both sides. It was more like the fear of a king who had just had his kingdom overwhelmed. Andy gave up. He couldn’t understand and he didn’t need to understand. Jeffrey was his best friend, but he was not stupid enough to pry every piece of information. He knew everyone has a restricted zone in his brains and that could be real ugly when deciphered. July 5, 2007 Sultry weather equals butterflies in the stomach and ants in pants, for it reminds you of those tragedies that had also happened in weather of the same kind. Jeffrey McReynolds was mulling over why his girlfriend had deserted him, but again, fruitless and clueless. So he text-messaged all his sadness and bewilderment to his pal Wendy Lombard, who also happened to work in Shanghai. Jeffrey lamented, “ It ’ s been two Ice Ages since I last had an iota of loving and being loved in heart. I feel real bad. I am not sure if my ability to love is lost or sealed in paraffin. I had my dinner in a greasy spoon near my leased condo. On average day, I would have a bowl of noodles and that could feed me to the neck. But today, the old favorite plus a new bowl of jiaozi didn ’ t make their way up to the middle of my esophagus. Of course, my stomach still felt puffed. It seemed I was trying to fight fire with fire. ” Wendy ’ s replies were brief, all of them within one sentence. She said, “ Love doesn ’ t come into existence by simply thinking about it. ” Jeffrey agreed, “ Right, but I still haven ’ t found the right girl, or maybe haven ’ t bumped into her. ” Wendy ’ s concise reply arrived again, “ Of course, man. If you found true love as easily as you found a summer mosquito in the grass, love would be worthless. ” The conciseness and provocation were more than Jeffrey could bear, but he was tinged by Wendy ’ s optimism. Still, he replied, “ It is real tiresome to live in this world. ” Wendy immediately rejoined, “ Right! This is human being. Such bad feelings come in snatches. I bet you won ’ t be bitching like this tomorrow morning. ” Jeffrey had to say mea culpa, but he was feeling better. Finally, he wrote this to Wendy: It is fortunate that the blue days of yours and mine are not overlapped. It is like two friends shitting side by side. Pooh, pooh! Jeffrey shitted cats and dogs. Kitties and puppies splashed really ugly, to all over the flush toilet, the ring, Jeffrey ’ s butts and parts of his pants. Jeffrey tilted his head and winced, “ You see? Shitting could be nasty! ” Wendy smiled and waved his remark off. Seconds later, ding, ding! Wendy made a neat bomb that sank into the toilet like stone. It was the sound of a shell casing clicking on a marble floor in church. It was the neatness of a professional diver. Then she remarked, “ See? Shitting could be aesthetic like this! ” Jeffrey felt it bliss to have a friend like Wendy Lombard. If she had pooh-poohed like what Jeffrey had done, life was indeed hopeless.

2007年2月15日星期四

 

1、我一个同事跟我说他今天的课上放了二十多个屁，爽死了。讲台和第一排的学生距离还很远，所以他的屁只要不是惊天雷，学生是听不到的。不过今天的最后一个屁有些特别。他转过身面向黑板，准备冲着学生放一个。他右手写板书，左手握麦克风，放于屁股后面。结果这一个屁的声音竟然通过话筒而扩大到每个学生的耳朵里。悲惨的是，我的同事没有听见。（自己站在讲台上听到的音响效果和坐在下面听的效果有些差异。）学生们都绷着脸，憋着笑。待我同事转过身来的时候，他把话筒顺势挪到嘴边，然后很舒缓的叹了口气：“啊~~~”全班昏倒。

 

2、在休息的时候，我一个同事问我什么东西的性价比怎么样。我听错了，反问：“什么性交比？”

 

3、我本想问一个同事哪天她休息一天没有课，结果说的太着急了：“你哪天休克？”我同事当场休克。

 

4、一同事问我：“走自己的路让别人说去吧。”英语怎么说，我略加思考，回答：“I walk my way, let them say, say, say!”

 

5、一个朋友最近心不在焉，总不知道在想什么。一天在饭店吃饭，点餐的时候，和他同去的一个哥们突然接电话喊了一声。这朋友怒，曰：“你喊个屁啊？我有精神病！”

 

6、我发短信问朋友：“长春雪了吗？”他答：“频雪！”

 

7、我一个姐妹在Las Vegas旅游，跟一老外聊天，提到bonus，结果由于发音不准，说成boners，说：“I like boners!”老外眼睛漏出淫光。

 

8、我讲构词法提到表示6的前缀是sex，举例子说：“The industry output has sextupled.”然后问学生什么意思。一学生很镇定地说：“工业的发展主要是靠性产业支持的。”

 

9、我讲课文提到设问句，说：“书上的例文长，上来设三次可以。你们一般都整不出来这么长，短的话设一次就够了！多设也没用！”

 

10、晚上一个男同事吃晚饭后从书包里拿出了一堆水果继续享用。大家一看，共同鄙视——两个巨小硕大的猕猴桃中间放了一个娇小的香蕉！

 

11、我讲课正起劲的时候突然听见一声尖叫，顺声望去，一个坐在教室中部的女孩子正在收回刚刚因为惊讶而伸展开的双臂，她表情痛苦，眼神中流露出一丝恐惧，一丝愧疚。我不解，问道：“你没事情吧？是不是看见老鼠了？或者小强？”她向我挥手，轻声说：“没事，真的没事！”下课我一问才知道，那厮是做噩梦惊醒了。

 

12、一个同事回忆他小学时候一个同学在百米赛跑之前正好憋着一泊大便，神情紧张，东张西望，问身边的小伙伴：“我想拉屎。”小伙伴说：“那你就跟老师说你一会儿再跑啊，先去拉吧。”他想想说：“唉，跑完再去吧。”正在这时，起跑一声枪响，那小孩白裤子一下子变成黄裤子了！

 

13、我们一帮男同事聚在休息室谈论某女同事胸平像飞机场，正巧被当事人撞见。我们都很尴尬，只见那女同事脱下外套，露出只穿紧身毛衫的上身，跟我们很愤怒的说：“老娘我有货！”

 

 

2007年2月1日星期四

 

前两天我在跑步机上跑步时竟然岔气了，胸口的右下侧突然如针扎一样的疼，不过最后还是坚持完了4000米，我很少这样的。当时我脑子里唯一的想法是：“岔气了英语怎么说？”

 

结果他破铁鞋无觅处，第二天在读Stephen King的Hearts in Atlantis时，一眼就瞄见这句话：

 

“He ran almost two full blocks before a stitch in his side forced him to first slow down, then stop.” (Page 274, Hearts in Atlantis)

 

我这一查字典才知道stitch有一条解释是：

 

“a sharp pain in the side of your stomach or chest, often caused by not breathing enough when running or laughing” (Cambridge Advanced Learner’s Dictionary, 2^nd Edition)

 

我心中欢喜，就在书下脚空白处写了这句话：

 

“昨天跑步时就想这个词怎么说？他破铁鞋无觅处。”

 

欢喜过后拿起手机把这个问题发给几个朋友，都是英语高手。结果基本都没有回复或者就一个字：“晕。”最后终于捡到两条有建设性意义的。

 

Catherine的短信这么说：“一个单词的我不知道，不过可以直接说to feel a pain in the chest when breathing。”

 

Snow的短信这么说：“我不知道，cramp可以吗？俗语怎么说我就不知道了。”

 

先说Snow的cramp，嗯，cramp的确有这么个含义：

 

“a sudden painful tightening in a muscle, often after a lot of exercise, which limits movement”

 

但是这个主要是指肌肉的痉挛，我想这个和岔气还是有些差别的。

 

到了晚上，我闲着没事，决定把stitch告诉大家，就群发短信如下：

 

“我查遍了各种资料，终于找到了这个看似可以的stitch。”

 

我这么措词是害怕他们扁我，呵呵。

 

下面就引出了我和Catherine的短信战。这次对决其实让我和她都受了很多内伤，看了就知道了。

 

我：“我查遍了各种资料，终于找到了这个看似可以的stitch。”

 

C：“Amazing! You’ve been on this all day?”

 

我：“Not entirely, thanks to my delicate stomach that had rumbled twice to give me two breaks…”

 

C：“That’s incredibly amazing!”

 

我：“Actually, it was poco loco!”

 

C：“Sorry, you make me feel like an illiterate. What’s poco loco?”

 

我：“I’ve just learned it. Poco is a musical jargon that means slightly, and loco means mad in US slang. So doesn’t the loco combo of the loco buzzwords look poco loco?”

 

C：“Lovely!”

 

我：“Not really, they were hotsy-totsy!”

 

C：“And you are just trying to turn my mind topsy-turvy!”

 

我：“This is joie de vivre, isn’t this?”

 

C：“Keep working like this and you’ll be a mensch!”

 

我：“Oh, come on, my compadre, my muchacha! I’d like to be your caballero!”

 

C：“The muchacha walls on cuz she don understand no hieroglyph! Pity, tiger!”

 

我：“Si, si! Anyway, gracias! Adios, amigo! These messaging repartees can total Shakespeare himself!”

 

后记：

 

在交锋过程中，敌军和我军都动用了短距离，具有小范围爆炸性杀伤力的武器。最后把一些值得记忆的内容摘抄于下：

 

1、在Word中输入hotsy-totsy的时候，下面是划红线的。我点击右键，出现的备选是hoity-toity。我不认识，查：

 

“behaving as if you are better or more important than other people”

 

2、我没拦截住的导弹topsy-turvy。我不认识，一查才知道：

 

“(in a state of being) confused, not well organized or giving importance to unexpected things; upside down”

 

3、我再次没拦截住的鱼雷mensch：

 

A person having admirable characteristics, such as fortitude and firmness of purpose: “He radiates the kind of fundamental decency that has a name in Yiddish; he’s a mensch.”

 

在我刚刚写我这篇日记的时候，手机突然震动了两下——我有新短信，打开一看，Catherine的：

 

“OK, ciao!”

 

(Ciao: “used for saying ‘goodbye’ and less often ‘hello’”)